flowers

flowers

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Hello Again

The last time i blogged was back in 2013 when i thought i was going to be a writer, i was about 15 and a Sophomore in high school. Thinking about that now seems so long ago now that i've graduated and so much stuff in my life has changed. I definitely don't want to be a writer, i believe this was just a outlet for me to express my feelings and it just so happens i am pretty good at English and got an A every year. I've always enjoyed writing fiction or non-fiction depending the assignment in school but it was more of a hobby and something that made me happy but i would never pursue as a career. For as long as i know i have wanted to be in the medical field, since the fourth grade i wanted to be a veterinarian because of my love for animals, but again i no longer want to do that. They say you change your major in college a minimum of 3 times, i have already changed it twice and i haven't even started college yet. But to this day i am set on what i want to do and i am pretty confident i will not change my mind again. Nothing excites me more than wanting to start college and taking classes towards a career that i know i will love and playing the sport i love on top of that all at the same time. Reading my blog today made me laugh because the things i wrote about are no longer relevant in my life, well some of the things. I have always been a very emotional person and i am not ashamed of that but also sometimes it isn't a great trait to have. When i am happy i get overwhelmed with happiness but when i am upset sadness runs through my body to no end, and that is the part i don't like about being such an emotional person. Some people might not believe this is as big of a deal as i did/do, but going through a friend break up is one of the worst things I've ever felt. I understand you are young and so hopeful that people are good and you aren't always aware of the bad or you are but you just try to ignore it until you finally can't anymore. Having a best friend for 5 years or longer seems to me to be a big deal, there will always be bickering and maybe some small feuds but you think at this point you are past all the beginners stuff. No one is perfect and that is a fact and i do respect that but there is only so much you can do to a person before you can't forgive anymore. A best friend isn't supposed to make you feel like you're unimportant and not appreciated enough or an option. I was the kid who thought how you feel about a particlur person they usually feel the exact same way, but i was wrong and i know that now. I don't believe people ever really get over things like they say they do, there will always be a small piece that you will hold on to and never forget. In the beginning i tried to stay strong and acted like i wasn't affected by it but deep down i was drowning, luckily i had other great friends by my side but you can't just throw 5 years of a friendship away and not feel anything. And when it hits you all at once it does and it hurts like a bitch, those are called feelings, and for an overly emotional person like me it felt like a piece of me was broken. A lot of people believe that the friends you have in middle school or high school you will all forget about when you graduate and move on and to a certain extent that is true, but being in the moment you aren't thinking that, you hope that that wont happen to you and that even after you graduate from high school your friendship is strong enough to stay together and continue your new lives with those friends by your side. You know when you have a real connection with someone and they know everything about you and you confide in them and they are someone you see everyday and that is hard to just forget about when its over. It is hard for me to explain this to people and that is why i don't try, my mom and i have had this conversation many times and i don't think she full understands how i feel. I get it people change and you can't do anything about that because that is there decision but its hard to watch someone you care about so much turn into a person you don't even know anymore, and i never felt like i had the right to try and change that because that is their decision and not yours. I hate that i am such a coward about it like it should be easy to confront this person you shared everything with for 5 years and tell them how you feel but i just couldn't do it. This happened over a year ago and i can still say whenever it is brought up or i think about it the feelings flood back in because i am not healed from it and it makes me nervous to trust that people will always be there for you when in a split second they could leave. Ive always looked up to my mom's friendship with her best friend because they have been friends since high school and my mom is now 42 and even know they don't see each other day they are still in each others lives and talk and make time for each other when they can, it is indeed possible even after your lives have started and you have kids that you can have someone there for you through it all. That is all i want someone to laugh with and cry with and just understand you in a way not everyone does, best friends are supposed to make your life happy not bringing you down. I know i have been focusing on all of the negative but there as so much positive to it too and thinking about those memories do make me happy but its just hard now with no longer being in each others lives to be happy for feel the same way i did when things were good, and I'm scared now because if we do come into each others lives again i won't feel the same because there is too much hurt and i don't know if she has changed as a person. That was my rant for the day, i had a lot of stuff i needed to get off my chest and it has been built up so much for a while it just all came out.